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It happens to the best of us…

I love sharing my stories with you because they are real life examples of what most of us go through in some way or another. This week, I am telling you about a woman I spoke with that went through an emotionally abusive relationship AND is a strong, powerful woman. She has given me permission to share this with you, in hopes that it is a starting point for you to come to the same realization that she did.

Samantha came to me saying that she wanted to find happiness in her life, however she felt like her insecurities were preventing her from finding love.  I asked her what her past relationships were like, starting with the most significant one.

Samantha had been engaged several years ago and chose to break it off 4 months before the wedding. Somehow I could sense some apprehension when she started the story, and was curious where that was coming from.

I asked her what happened. She explained that she had been dating Eric for 7 years but she finally decided to break it off with him because it was an abusive relationship. On the outside, no one would have ever seen this. She explained that about a year into their relationship, he began to verbally call her names (aka emotional abuse). She hated it, knew it was wrong and was extremely hurt, but convinced herself that it was a result of his stress at work and that she should be there to support him.

Now what I want you to get is that Samantha is strong and intelligent, BUT our actions are run by our emotions not our logic, and most of this comes from our subconscious.

She explained that she felt so ashamed because she NEVER imagined herself to be in a position like this. Samantha knew what he was doing was absolutely wrong. She continued to explain that she wasn’t ever abused as a child and has a great relationship with her parents. She couldn’t make sense of WHY she had let this happen to her and she couldn’t wrap her head around what possessed her to stay in that relationship for so long.

I intuitively asked her to explain how she felt about her parents’ relationship. Amazing, loving, and sacrificial were a few of the words she used. The key here was that she felt that they had to sacrifice and that is what has allowed them to have a lasting relationship in her eyes.

THAT WAS IT. I had made the connection. The reason Samantha had allowed herself to be in that relationship for so many years, trying over and over to make it work, is because she placed her parents’ relationship on a pedestal. She felt that their love has been so strong because they had to SACRIFICE. Because she admired that so much, she placed pressure on herself to do the same while something inside of her was telling her to LEAVE.

Samantha was blown away. She has heard me speak about looking towards your parents’ relationship before, but thought that it didn’t apply to her because they have a great relationship. Now she was able to see that the root of her staying in an unhealthy relationship came from her view of her parents’ relationship.

Despite what she’d been through, Samantha still desires to find love. She explained that she wants to have children and hopes to be married, but at the same time, her fears from her past relationship make her feel as though she doesn’t know if she want to be in a relationship.

With every fiber in my being I replied, “You absolutely want a husband and marriage, you’re just scared that you would have to give up who you are for it.”

I am here to tell you that it DOES NOT HAVE TO BE LIKE THAT. Being in a relationship can be extremely freeing. Love in its very form is unlimited freedom. You just need to STOP placing your parents’ relationship on a pedestal so that you can begin to see relationships from an entirely new perspective. Having a loving partnership from a man that is supportive and loving enhances who you are so that you can be more of yourself, not lose yourself.

Lovework:

If you take a look at past relationships and are ashamed of not leaving soon enough or you have experienced abuse in anyway, tell someone you love and trust about it. The longer it sits with you, the more the shame will grow and block you in love. Shed some light on it. Then, FORGIVE yourself. You did nothing wrong. You just loved.

Tell me what you think of this article in the comments section below. Did you like it? Did it resonate with you? Any connection you made through reading this?

 

In happiness,


 

 

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4 Responses to It happens to the best of us…
  1. PhoenixRose360
    October 6, 2012 | 00:13

    Great article…over the last couple of weeks, I’ve decided to make peace with the men in my last two relationships. These relationships were ones where I felt I stayed too long, hoping that they would see “it” my way and love me the way I needed to be loved. But I didn’t even know what that was, until now. One was an ex fiancee and I thanked him for the love we shared and allowing me to get a deeper understanding of myself. And the crazy part is a week later after I reached out to him, I got a call that he passed away in a motorcycle accident. The main thing, I kept thinking about, was that I was so happy and grateful that we made our peace.

    • Kavita
      October 27, 2012 | 21:45

      Yes making peace with your past relationships with men is super important, that includes dads!

  2. praise
    October 25, 2012 | 06:57

    Thanks K,i have been in a relationship for a year now but it seems to me that i’m not just good enough for him; he complains about everything i say, barely calls to see me and when i insist that we see he tells me i don’t understand him anymore.
    At last, i have grown a very ‘tough skin’ towards him also;i no longer call also,i just allowed myself to be me.
    My parents were never together and i guess this causes me to always blame myself when a guy behaves badly to me.
    Funny enough,once i let go,they come back begging but i just can’t do it anymore.
    i hope to live in the present as you adviced and someday be found by a real man who knows what he wants.
    Thanks dear.

    • Kavita
      October 27, 2012 | 21:47

      Hi, what is your relationship like with your parents? Why didn’t they ever get together? Understanding this is important for you and your dating life, along with staying present.

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