Insecurity –Do you feel it when you are online dating and you put yourself out there, reaching out to a man you thought was cute and had a nice profile — only to receive crickets chirping on the other end?
Insecurity — Do you feel it when you see pictures your ex posted on Facebook of himself and a beautiful woman and you wonder what might be going on there?
Insecurity — Do you feel it when you see another woman dress to the nines, draped in Chanel, carrying an expensive bag, and you think to yourself: I want to look like her…?
I know there are literally a million and one ways we can feel insecure throughout the course of an hour, day, week, year, and lifetime. And especially with love. This week, I received a brilliant question from one of my clients. I know you will be able to relate to it, and my answer is extractable for those places in your love life you are currently feeling insecure.
She is dating this man and when they are out in public, he sometimes has a roaming eye. He is totally attentive to her when they are alone, and is also attentive in public but his attention span is limited. He will eventually check out other women and just go in and out of being attentive.
This is what she said about it:
“It totally bothers me when his attention is roaming. And I am totally judging myself for being bothered by it, because it means I am insecure, or so I have read in other articles. I can be fairly logical about why his attention is roaming and talk myself into why it doesn’t matter. But should I? Or is it okay to feel insecure?”
My answer to her was that insecurity is a great thing! No, I am not trying spin shit into gold. I promise. Stay with me.
Insecurity is there to SAVE us. Yup, that’s right. That ugly feeling that we try to push, stuff, and will away, is a signal to SAVE us. It pops up to remind us to feel worthy. Listen to it.
Insecurity is whispering that there’s somewhere in your life that you aren’t standing up for and acting on what you desire.
When you find yourself getting jealous or wondering why he isn’t paying attention, ask yourself “In what way have I not been standing up for and acting on what I am worth?” And start acting and expressing yourself to bring that back into alignment.
So, what I said to my client was: It is totally normal for you to feel insecure if you aren’t getting the attention you deserve. You need to say something. Tell him that is not okay, and it makes you feel like he is not present, and makes you feel like you aren’t the most important thing in the room. Ask him why he does it, because it could have nothing to do with you and just be an unknown habit.
“The point is,” I told her: “Express yourself and have a conversation. Get on the same page in understanding one another.”
So, she felt nervous, but she went for it and said something to him. At first, he was uncomfortable hearing it and defending himself that he didn’t mean it that way. She was patient with him and okay with his initial reaction. They continued to talk through it, and it came out that other women he had dated have brought this up to him, and it’s more of a habit than anything else.
They moved on to another conversation, and then at the end of the night it was clear he was still thinking about what she’d said. He said to her, “You know, you are right. I’m going to make sure that you understand that my attention is on you.”
Now if my client had just decided to sit back and convince herself that she was being crazy, or tried to talk herself out of it, then she wouldn’t have given herself the opportunity to stand up for herself. She felt more empowered, and speaking up gave him a chance to think about it and know what she needed so he could give it to her.
There you go! Insecurity is an invitation to ask yourself in what way are you not expressing or in action around what it is that you want or desire.
Your Lovework for this week is:
Ask yourself: When do you find yourself feeling insecure? Is it with a specific work colleague, a close friend, a sibling, or a man you are with or dating? Just look at one example.
Pinpoint: What is it about them that is making you feel insecure?
Then ask yourself: What do you desire or want that you haven asked for or acted on that is making you feel insecure? Then go do it.
Where in your love life do you feel insecure? Please share below in the comments!